How loving are you, really?

Do you consider yourself a loving person?

I asked that question in a recent live call, and I’d bet you’d answer the way I would. Yes. Obviously. How is that even a question?

So play devil’s advocate with yourself for a minute. If the answer is yes, what’s the proof?

Is it your actions? Some of them, sure. Some of them aren’t so loving. Your thoughts? Same deal. Is it how much you care about the animals and the oceans, and how much you want the best for everybody? I’d love to tell you that’s true for me all the time. If I’m honest, it isn’t.

Some days I’m basking in the sun and loving it. Other days I’m complaining that the damn thing is too hot, too bright, and in my way. I can tell someone they’re amazing, a light in this world, and later that same day wish they’d leave me alone for ten seconds.

If any of that sounds familiar, even a little, here’s where it gets interesting. Most of us quietly give ourselves permission not to be loving all the time. We’re loving people, so our bad moments don’t really count. Now look at the person across the street. The one with the ideology you can’t stand. The one who caused harm you’d never cause. It’s so easy to decide: I’m loving and they’re not, so something must be wrong with them.

Can you give them the same permission you give yourself?

Love gets more interesting when we stop using the word as proof of who we are and start paying attention to what we’re actually feeding into the world.

01Take Inventory

Lately I’ve been coming back to one practice: taking inventory. What beliefs are running this human being? What’s the evidence for them? Which ones am I choosing to carry forward?

That last question matters most, because your beliefs are the guidance system for what you create tomorrow. Even when you’re not consciously creating anything, your participation alone shapes what comes next.

Keep it a lighthearted inspection. Think of yourself as an engine. The point is to know how your parts work together, so when something’s off, you know which part to tinker with. Otherwise you just wobble along until the next thing breaks and hope it fixes itself.

And sometimes, by grace, something shows up that points right at the spot you weren’t looking at. That’s a mirror doing its job.

Optimal means the parts are aligned and supporting each other. Perfect was never the goal. We’re human. Perfectly imperfect is the deal.

02The Forest

Picture a tree in a forest. From the trail, it looks like one tall pillar reaching for the sky. Underground, its roots are woven into every tree around it, trading nutrients back and forth. Without that network, it would starve. Literally.

We’re built the same way. Alone in that forest, you’d find the limits of your sovereignty fast. What connects us runs through the roots, and the whole network is only as strong as its weakest one. When one heals, they all heal a little more. None of us is completely healed until all of us are.

That’s why the inner audit matters beyond you. Every thought and every action carries a ripple. Snap at someone in the grocery store because they did something you didn’t like, and that ripple feeds the forest too.

I’m not saying you’re bad if you do it again. I’m asking you to pause. And if the pause comes after the fact, that’s fine. Wonder where it came from, let it go, and try to catch it a little quicker next time.

Responsibility just means you’re able to respond to what comes up in the moment, in a way that supports you and the people around you.

03Blame Venus

Some days your thoughts get out of hand, and you can blame the collective or the astrology. That damn Venus retrograde in Scorpio in the eighth house. That’s why I’m being such an ass today. Maybe.

Keep it light. Condemning the part of you that you want gone forever doesn’t help. Neither does believing that if you could just fix that one thing outside of you, everything would finally be right.

04The Quiet Stories

Now look at what you say to yourself. I’m too old. I’m too tired. I’m not enough. I’ll never fit in. I talk too much. I don’t talk enough. I’m not a priority. I’m lost. I’m stuck.

Can you be stuck without being less than? Of course. We all go through those cycles. Can you not be the priority and still be okay? Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to be the freaking priority. Can I be too old, or not attractive enough? Sure. The trouble starts when those thoughts arrive with judgment and you make yourself smaller to justify where you are.

When they show up, pause and take inventory. I’m a loving person, so what can I bring to this? I’m a loving person, which means I’m probably patient too, so let me sit with this part.

You don’t need to fix it right now to know who you are. And don’t go to war with it. Y’all, that never works. Try to wipe out a part of yourself, and another version creeps up in a new situation carrying the same consciousness. Let your wisdom sit over here while that part does its thing, and keep feeding the ecosystem you want to grow.

05Love Has a Spine

Make no mistake: love has discernment and standards. This is no flimsy love flapping in the wind. Love knows what feeds growth, and it puts measures in place to keep the rot from coming back. Sometimes that means leaving what has already died.

It also has nothing to do with the savior complex many of us grew up with, where you turn the other cheek and shrink yourself for the sake of authority. Turning the other cheek, done right, means you stop giving something the energy it wants to take from you for its own survival.

When someone doesn’t see you for who you are, it can hurt. Ask yourself why. If you fully remembered the love you are, they could say the meanest thing and you’d think, okay, you just don’t know who I am. Someone who can’t see the light in themselves isn’t going to see it in you.

Notice, too, when you dim yourself in response. That weakens the roots too.

Relationships and workplaces run on agreements about how we treat each other. When those break down, you get to name what’s off and ask whether new agreements are needed. And sometimes the new agreements just won’t work for you. Hold that with tenderness and with courage. Speak up without needing a particular outcome, beyond being clear about what you’re willing to be in relationship with.

If you know deep down that being treated with respect is the real choice, choose that. “It’s fine if they’re a little nicer tomorrow” is the small choice. Take small steps if that’s what you can do, but know what you’re walking toward.

And when one well runs dry, pour from one that’s full. Maybe that’s time with your grandkids, or a meal you cook for yourself, or whatever makes you laugh. You’re the whole of your life, bigger than the one place that feels scarce right now.

06Threads

Timelines get talked about a lot. I think of them as potential threads. When I work with someone, one thread is usually lit up brightest: the path they’re choosing, whether they know it or not. A few others glow a little dimmer. Then there are countless more you’d need a microscope to see.

Say the current thread is: my marriage isn’t working, my job drains me, but life’s okay if I just endure. Now shift your consciousness a little. I’m a priority. I deserve to be loved for all that I am. I have choice. Those small adjustments stop feeding that thread and light up another one. Sometimes the jump happens fast.

When you make that jump, the people close to you get to see that it’s possible. They’ll see it much faster than a stranger on the other side of the world, but the ripple still reaches that stranger.

I’d be careful with collective language, though. “We’re all creating a new timeline” can quietly take the action off your plate while you wait for a wave to carry you somewhere. Ask how it applies to you. What are you choosing today?

07Be the Fool

Here’s something I keep sitting with. What if you lived your life as if everything is going to work out, and risked looking like a fool doing it? I’ve known a lot of foolish people with no answers who have amazing lives. I’ve known a lot of people with all the answers who struggle so much.

We’ve been chasing safety so hard that we stopped taking risks. We shut our hearts just enough to feel okay. Meanwhile, life keeps saying: open up, you’re just beginning to see what’s possible. If you stumble, you’ll get back up, and the network you’ve been feeding will be there to help.

If you’re ever stuck on what to do, ask what you’d tell your kids or your grandkids. What would you tell a client or a close friend? It’s so much easier to find our wisdom for other people. Borrow it.

08Bring Yourself Home

So how loving are you, really? And how loving do you choose to be?

The next time an old judgment rises, ask one question: What would the love that I say I am do here?

This part’s on you. Nobody else can bring you back home. The people who love you can light the way with their own light, but the walk is yours. Remember how loving you are. Remember that sometimes you’re not, and that’s okay too.

Now choose where you want your love to go next.