What have you quietly given up on?

I recently had a conversation with an astrologer friend who’s been on the show a few times, and she said something about my chart that stopped me.

She said I have one of those charts where I need to be so deeply connected with someone that it’s like merging. Resources, love, everything. And she said that merging is really about merging with the divine. I won’t be satisfied until I merge with God.

That’s probably why I do the work I do. I’ve glimpsed that merging with God several times, and it’s settled something in me. But that desire to connect ever more deeply runs through my personal relationships and my intimacy too.

Then she asked me, “Have you ever found that with a person? That complete merging?”

I had some of it with my ex-wife. But I never fully surrendered, because of my own insecurities and trust issues from growing up.

“So have you let go of that desire?” she asked.

01The Logical Answer

My first answer was very logical.

“You know what, it hasn’t happened. I feel good about myself. I’ve healed so much of my codependency. I’ve stepped into my sovereignty, and I’ve touched enough connection with spirit that I don’t feel alone the way I used to. So I’ve kind of let it go. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it’s okay.”

Then I sat with it a few seconds longer and thought, no. That’s not true.

I actually really want that. How wonderful would it be to experience that in this lifetime? And how much better to bring it back into my heart as a truth, instead of a quiet resignation that it won’t happen.

I’ve had this desire since I was three or four years old, which makes no sense for a little kid. So I’m going to hold it in my field as a standard I want to live. And I’m throwing up the middle finger at every place in my life, and every voice in society, that told me I can’t have it.

When people tell me I can’t do something, part of me says, “Screw you. Watch me.” So this is me saying it to life. Screw you, life. Watch me.

02Your Turn

What’s the thing you’ve told yourself doesn’t matter anymore?

Maybe it’s a deep connection with someone. Maybe it’s a place you always meant to travel. Maybe it’s the relationship you hoped you’d have one day with your mom or dad, a sibling, or a friend. So much time has passed that you’ve settled into “if it happens, it happens.”

Sit with it a few seconds longer than feels comfortable. Is that really true?

And then hold it lightly. I’m in a place where if something is for me, it’s for me. If something shows up and it turns out it isn’t for me, I trust that too. Blessings on your way, no harm, and thank you for showing me the possibility.

That’s a different way of creating than we used to have. We aren’t gripping something because we need it to fill a hole we can’t fill ourselves. We’re learning to receive without needing to hold on.

03Where Attention Goes, Creation Follows

Think about a time you focused on something so hard that it happened. The wedding you pictured. The job. The school you were determined to get into. The children you knew would come. You didn’t know how you’d get there, but there was a driving force behind it.

Neuroscience and quantum physics keep catching up to this. Joe Dispenza’s work suggests that holding a thought steadily for long enough starts to bring it into form. The double-slit experiment shows that observation changes what shows up. Where we put our attention matters.

But what we hold in that attention matters too. Doubt, anxiety, anger, or insecurity all make the field wobble.

04Stabilizing the Wormhole

Here’s something to consider. Right now the Earth is blasting through the cosmos at incredible speed. We think of it as hovering in place, but it isn’t. The fact that everything holds together at all is a miracle.

Einstein theorized that if you could fold space and time, you’d create a wormhole, a shortcut from one place to another instead of traveling light years. The theory goes that wormholes collapse because they can’t stay stable.

What if the stability has something to do with consciousness?

I think that’s what we’re learning. When we connect to that still place, some call it the zero point or the quantum field, others call it God or source, we create from the top down. We reach the other end first and bring it down into this reality. Whatever stops the wobble keeps the doorway open.

And we’re wobbling less, because we’re having our own direct experiences. We’re past “maybe God exists.” Religion and teachers gave many of us a springboard. But each of those doorways is meant for you alone to walk through, and once you do, you know something nobody could have explained to you.

05The Collective of Jeu

Years ago a new set of guides started coming through for me. The energy was so strong that my first reaction was, “I don’t know who you are. Show yourselves. I’m not letting just anything in.”

The first thing I heard was, “We’re the Collective of Jeu.” I thought they meant me. “No. J-E-U.” Then they showed me they were twelve beings.

Around that time I was slowly working through the Pistis Sophia, an incredibly dense esoteric text about accessing levels of consciousness. Two pages a day was a lot. There were diagrams of different gateways, and at the bottom was a footnote citing the Book of Jeu.

So of course I went looking. The Books of Jeu describe Christ returning after the resurrection to teach the twelve apostles how to pass through the gateways of the Kingdom of Heaven. They lay out the treasuries and initiations and what you had to hold at each one, almost like a formula.

My Collective of Jeu turned out to be the twelve apostles. I had no reference for any of it beforehand.

What they kept teaching me was how to stabilize through the different layers, the different atmospheres and realms. I’m no expert. But through those experiences, I found access to places I didn’t know I could reach. We all have versions of that. The question is what wakes it up.

06So Much and Nothing at the Same Time

A lot of us have been feeling like so much is happening and nothing is happening at the same time. Lots of movement, but we’re barely moving.

I think this is a gestation period. Even while we’re efforting to get somewhere, we’re becoming. Every time we reach for a new possibility, we send threads into the field, and that changes us whether or not we ever arrive at that exact destination. It was never really about the destination.

When you feel a tremor in your field, there’s no need to panic. Be grateful you’re aware enough to notice it and steady it. Your growing empathy isn’t only for feeling the world around you. It’s for feeling yourself more clearly, too.

07Buddha?

I’ve watched the PBS documentary on the Buddha, narrated by Richard Gere, probably ten times. I highly recommend it.

In one part, after his enlightenment, the Buddha walks from village to village and realizes everyone carries that light. He looks at people and asks, “Buddha? Buddha?” It could be the person we feel the most sorry for. It could be the prince sitting next to them. You never know where enlightenment lives.

Recently I was sitting in a parking lot with someone who had a sheet of heart stickers. She saw a guy sitting alone in his car, stern and stoic, and said, “I’m going to put a heart sticker on his car.”

I had no idea how he’d react. She walked up, told him what she was doing, and stuck it on. He broke into this huge smile and said, “I really needed that. Thank you.”

Buddha.

Her openness lit him up, and it lit her up, and it lit me up just watching. Most of us walk through life closed off. We see someone with a hard look on their face and decide not to risk it.

08Take Off the Armor

We harden our armor at the first sign of anything. We’re so empathic that we don’t want to feel the room, so we guard what we’ve built because it took so long to build.

It’s actually the opposite. You’ve done all this work gathering the pieces of yourself. Now it’s time to go out and see what you’ve become.

Shoot your arrows at me, and I’ll shoot mine back. Mine are empathy and compassion, grace and love. It’s an offering, not a war. When people see you soften and share from your overflow, they learn it’s safe to come out of their shell too. Their light isn’t just welcome here. It’s needed.

And if someone doesn’t like you, it’s only because they don’t know you yet.

09When Something Is Ending

On my wedding day, I heard a voice I now know as my higher self. It said, “You’re going to be married eighteen years.” On my wedding day. What was I supposed to do with that?

Seventeen years and fifty-one weeks later, I was driving back from a family reunion in Louisiana to Houston and told my wife we needed to separate. I knew that conversation was the end of our marriage. My guides called it. I was one week early.

My divorce didn’t happen when the court said it did. It happened in that car.

People process endings differently. Some work through it all before the ending happens, so by the time it’s official they’re done. Others don’t start processing until someone tells them it’s over. Understanding that is where real compassion comes from.

If you’re in an ending right now, a few things I’ve learned:

You don’t need the other person’s permission to move forward. It isn’t their job to give it to you. If they want to be mad, they can be mad. If they want to forgive you or love you afterward, that’s up to them.

You can be the good guy and the bad guy at the same time. That’s okay.

Don’t abandon yourself in the process, and you don’t have to fight to keep from abandoning yourself either. You don’t have to over-explain it. You don’t even have to be understood.

10Watch Me

So what’s the thing you quietly gave up on?

Bring it back into your heart. Hold it as a standard. Then let it go into divine timing and trust that what’s for you is for you.

And if life has been telling you that you can’t have it, you know what to say.